I've made some edits to it. Overall, I don't think you have much to worry about your swearing character. There were only a few places I might ax the swearing, but mostly because it doesn't fit with the rest of the inner perspective you set up in the paragraph.
I think you don't have to worry about getting stuck as long as you keep interweaving scenes with Ace's and Hex's, and perhaps even the Doctor's perspective amongst the scenes of Mauss's perspective scenes. It flows quite nicely from what I read, so no worries in general.
I'll share the edits with you when we meet tonight for a SG-1 night. :D
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momijizukamori
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Date: 2009-04-30 03:49 pm (UTC)I think you don't have to worry about getting stuck as long as you keep interweaving scenes with Ace's and Hex's, and perhaps even the Doctor's perspective amongst the scenes of Mauss's perspective scenes. It flows quite nicely from what I read, so no worries in general.
I'll share the edits with you when we meet tonight for a SG-1 night. :D