mid-summer cleaning

[clocketpatch]

So, I've been digging through the archives, AKA my forgotten fic folder, and I've rediscovered several dead-end fics. Half of these, I don't even know where I was going with them. I came across some rather nice icons as well *points at icon*. Anyways, there is a point to all of this, and tht is *dum diddy dum* crack!bunny Torchwood fic! Written by yours truly prior to Children of Time (which I still haven't seen, for the record, though I've been told that I ought to remedy that).

As I remember, I wrote this on request for abbyromana , and I'm posting it now because I think it's slightly funny even if it does give off an air of trying too hard:

 

Once upon a time, the Doctor visited Torchwood, as he did occasionally, when no one was looking. He did have to refill the TARDIS with rift and plothole energy on a somewhat regular basis, and since he’d managed to get over his ‘prejudice’ of Jack… or rather, since he’d realised that gravol helped with temporal-anomaly based nausea, the Doctor had taken to using the underground Cardiff base as a sort of waiting room during his pit stops.

 

So, there he was in the main part of the hub, sitting with his feet up, and a magazine in hand. He threw out the occasional witty comment and generally annoyed the hell out of the entire Torchwood team.

 

Suddenly, Mywfanny started squawking, and it might have been to alert everyone about the intruder (who I will introduce presently) or it could have just been that she was upset about being utterly ignored by everyone to the point of virtual non-existence 89% of the time. Anyway, the intruder. The elevator started running, bringing her down to the hub in a flurry of dramatically lit close-ups and exciting music. She was young, and a rebel, and spunky, and blonde. And no, she wasn’t Rose.

 

She was…

 

“Jenny!” the Doctor shouted, throwing aside his magazine in shock. He rubbed his eyes, not in surprise, but more to produce an appropriate red-eyed contriteness.

 

Jack’s reaction (he’d poked his head out of his office just as the dramatic music started) was far more succinct and honest:

 

“Oh shit.”

 

***Cue opening credits***

 

The Doctor stared down his one time friend with a look that had made whole civilizations turn, tail between legs, and run.

 

“I absolutely cannot, refuse to believe that you expect me to accept and forgive you for SLEEPING WITH MY DAUGHTER!”

 

“Not to mention stealing my ship,” said Jenny, glaring.

 

"But I didn't know you then and I couldn't possibly known she was your daughter." Jack paused, realising. "Hey you didn't even know you had a daughter back then. In fact, technically speaking, she wasn’t even that you’s daughter. So, I am absolved of all misdeeds."

 

The Doctor gave him *a look*

 

Jack met *the look* levelly, daring it. Of course, in a staring contest between an immortal and a Time Lord the victor is usually the latter. Maybe the Doctor didn’t succeed in breaking Jack’s smuggidlyness, but he did dent it a very, very little bit:

 

“Time isn’t linear you stupid dunce!” the Doctor said. “It’s like a great big ball of… um, well, its wibbly.”

 

“And wobbly,” Jenny chipped in.

 

“And, um, stuff,” her father finished.

 

Jack blinked.

 

Ianto, who had shown up at some point when this author wasn’t paying attention, also blinked in subtle disbelief/amusement/wtf are they talking about and don’t they realise that their non-explanation makes no sense???

 

"See this is why I don't time travel anymore," Jack grumbled.

 

"No, actually,” the Doctor said, “you don't travel, because I deactivated your hopper."

 

“And because you were directly responsible for blowing up my ship!” Jack shouted, meeting word for word. “I never would have taken up hitch-hiking with you lot in the first place if it hadn’t been for –”

 

“One,” the Doctor said, cutting him off, “you would have tagged along anyways because you wanted in my pants. And two, that explosion was your own fault for being less than bright and then picking an odd time to develop a conscience. Also, I think you really wanted to ride that bomb.”

 

“I saved your life!”

 

“Yes, thanks for that.”

 

All through this exchange, Jenny’s eyes were steadily bulging.

 

“You blew up a ship?” she asked. “Was it by any chance the same ship that –”

 

“Sorry, sweets,” said Jack, earning himself a glare from both Time Lords.

 

 “You BLEW UP MY SHIP! You Bastard!!” Jenny shouted, and then she hit Jack with, um… a shoe? “You slept with me and stole my ship and BLEW IT UP! You owe me a new ship!”

 

“Ah,” said the Doctor, who had winced and cheered appropriately at his daughter’s curses. “Jack?”

 

“That wasn’t very decent of you,” Ianto observed.

 

“Yeah, well,” said Jack. He glanced from fuming mad father to cheated and wronged daughter. “Once again, single-handedly, I’ve managed to piss off an entire bloody species.”

 

 

Comments

[garpu.livejournal.com]

I approve of crack fic! And, yeah, I can totally see that happening with Jack.

[clocketpatch]

With Jack, this sort of thing is an everyday occurrence.

[abbyromana.livejournal.com]

*standing O*

Oh, brilliant! Just brilliant! I was wondering when I'd see this popping up on here! :D I'm glad you finally posted it.

Now, if I could only get you to write that Jenny and Susan quickie you mentioned the last time we chatted.

*feeds CP's plot bunnies super excited, happy bunny mix*

[clocketpatch]

I actually started writing that, but then discontinued after half a page once I'd beta'd yours. Nothing I write for that situation could be half as good as what you've done. I ~still~ have shivers from it.

[stellastars]

LOL. There can never be too much crack!Torchwood-fic. I'm glad you discovered it in the archives and posted it -- reading this was a great way to start the morning!

[clocketpatch]

There are few things more entertaining and enlightening (and at times embarrassing) than reading through writing archives. Glad it brightened your day!

[librarylover82.livejournal.com]

I agree, this was a great start to the day! I love the line about Jack single-handedly pissing off an entire species, because admitting that he does that is the first step to overcoming the habit. Also, call the Oxford English Dictionary people because "smuggidlyness" needs to be added ASAP.

[clocketpatch]

"smuggidlyness" [smu-ged-lee-ness]

1. The act of being insufferable smug

2. The act of being Jack

[jjpor.livejournal.com]

LOL - yes, "smuggidlyness" - that's our Jack, all right!

I thought this was really funny - sort of in the vein of the stuff Magnus sometimes posts on DbyA and, let's face it, no more clever-clever and self-referential than that Benton!/Duggan! thing I posted on the 'Spoon the other week. Especially enjoyed Jenny's reaction to getting her ship blown up and Ten's suggestion that Jack "really wanted to ride that bomb", because you totally know that he did!

More cracky humour!fic please! You seem to have an aptitude for it! ;D

[jjpor.livejournal.com]

Oh, and you totally need to watch Children of Earth - it may not be the GREATEST THING EVAR! that it has been touted as these last couple of weeks, but it is definitely the best Torchwood story ever, and up in that top 10% of NuWho stories too. Really.

[thisbluespirit]

Heh, very amusing. I third the need for "smuggidlyness".

*Suddenly recalls abject failure to read Hex, Seven, Ace story*

*runs*

"Look, miss I printed it off, but the pages were all in the WRONG ORDER. It was hard to read... and then... I was too busy writing UNIT: Strange Weapons to print it off again..."

I'm sorry, clocket, I'll get on to it. All the more, since I am very intrigued as to what's actually going on it. I just managed to print off what appears to be a random selection of pages and spent the rest of the week trying not to let my OCs get out of hand. Which they did anyway, if I'm honest.

I'm glad you shared your 'lost' fic. If you have some you don't know what to do with, I found a comm the other week that takes in stray plot bunnies. I'll go see if I can find it again...

[clocketpatch]

In the wrong order? That cinches it then; printers ARE in fact evil and out to get you.

And *guilty look* I must also get around to reading your UNIT: stories. It's been on my too-do list for entirely too long.

This comm for lost and stay bunnies sounds like a most magnificient thing. I've a whole back folder of them. Every so often I go and riffle around in there, but usually I just end up so depressed at my lack of commitment that I back hastily out feeling more than slightly pathetic.

[thisbluespirit]

Heh. Mine is usually reasonable, so it must be something weird I did! I shall try again now. I'm nearly done with the fic, so I should be able to calm down a bit. The printer behaved perfectly printing off Primsong and JJPOR's long fics (to save me staring at a screen for any longer than I do already).

Don't worry. Of course, I am thrilled when somebody reads the UNIT fic, because it's so obscure, it's lovely that anyone has.

I've gone and checked and the comm is fandombunnysale and it's quite new as yet.

Don't worry. All fics return in some form or other.